Well, the holidays are over. When I started this blog twelve days ago, I had every intention of writing my second post days ago. "Once a week," I thought to myself. It's been almost two weeks since that first post, and here I am. The holidays with my family went great! I spent the night at my sister's house the night before Christmas Eve, and then all of the family came over the next day. Christmas Day was lazily spent watching movies with my family and just enjoying each other's company. New Year's wasn't very eventful. I once again went to my sister's house. When I got home, I celebrated with my animal friends and played Animal Crossing on my brother's 3DS. Pretty lame, but I still secretly love that game. Now here I sit, on Saturday, writing this post. I really have so many thoughts in my head that I don't even know where to begin. I've been reading A LOT over this impossibly long and, frankly, boring Christmas break. Just a little while ago, I finished the book "Dear Mr. Knightley". It was good. Like, really good. Actually, good doesn't even begin to describe it. I started it yesterday and stayed up until about 3:30 am, and then finished it around 3:00 pm today. The book is about a woman who has lived in foster homes and a home for children throughout her adolescence and through college. Then one day, she is given a grant by a mysterious benefactor who goes by Mr. Knightley (from the novel Emma, by Jane Austen, whom I adore!) to study journalism at the most prestigious school for journalism in the country. His only stipulation is that the main character, Samantha (Sam) Moore write him letters detailing her progress. The novel is literally written as a series of letters dated by the month and day, and spans almost a year and a half as Sam finishes the graduate journalism program at Medill. It is a powerful read because it describes Sam's pain from being cast off by her parents and going through numerous foster homes. She feels as if she must hide behind her books and often uses quotes to deflect people from her past from classics such as Jane Austen's novels, Bronte novels, the Count of Monte Cristo, and so many others. I was first drawn to this book because of the title; myself being a lover of Jane Austen's works, I instantly recognized Mr. Knightley as the good friend, critic, and ultimate love of Emma Woodhouse in Austen's novel 'Emma.' The way Sam hides behind quotes from beloved heroines like Elizabeth Bennett and Jane Eyre was interesting to read, yet kind of sad. I went through so many emotions reading the book in a 24-hour period. Sam must open up her heart to realize that she isn't alone, that there are people who love her and if she would just open up her heart, she would feel that love. The ending is just too much for me to describe here, and yet part of me suspected all along that that was how the book would end. Yet, it made me want to read it all over again to see Sam's self discoveries and confessions in a whole new light. Anyway, needless to say, it was an incredible book. You know books are good when they make you stop and think, even reflect on your own life. I am an avid lover of Pinterest, and the other day, I pinned a quote that perfectly describes how I feel about this book: "When you read a line that is so well-written you just close the book and stare at the wall for a minute." I feel this way about the entire book. In the hour since I finished the last line, I have looked within myself and fully voiced things that I have only fleetingly thought about before now. I decided I want this blog to be a sort of diary for myself. A way to voice my thoughts and feelings, knowing that I can't get rid of the words once I publish them. That one day I may come back to this blog and see how I felt at this moment in my life and wonder at how I have changed and yet how I may still be the same. One more thought, and then I'll be done. I have begun thinking about this these past few months, but never for very long. I have realized what my greatest fear in life is. It's nothing like spiders or snakes or heights. It's something I'm sure a lot of people deal with. And yet, I have only just come to fully understand it. What I fear most in life is failure. And by failure, I mean failing at anything and everything I do. This fear is so deep that I hold myself back from things that seem difficult or scary because I am afraid I will fail, that I won't be up to the challenge. I'm so scared that I won't be good at something that I won't even allow myself to try. I don't ask for help because I am afraid I will seem weak or stupid. I hate failure so much that I hold myself back. This has allowed for insecurities and self doubt to creep into my life, so subtle at first, that I didn't even realize I carried it around for many years. I often feel as if I am not good enough. I think to myself, "Well that person is better at this then I am, so I might as well give up," or, "Well, I've never been asked out on a date, so I must not be worthy of anyone having feelings for me." Seconds later I tell myself to not be silly, to not care what other people think. Sometimes, I feel like a hypocrite. Half of me wants to live in a fantasy, the hopeless romantic side of me. I want some knight in shining armor to come and sweep me off my feet and love me for who I am. But the other half of me is a skeptic. "Guys aren't like that," I tell myself. Don't be too trusting with who you open up to. Guard yourself against getting your heart broken. Literature has kind of been for me what it was for Sam. I read so many books and escape into that world for a couple days. I get to live in the life of the main character and experience adventure and romance. Since it is only a book, I can put it down when I am finished and not worry about any repercussions or consequences that the characters actually deal with. And I get REALLY into books. I feel all the emotions the characters are feeling and sometimes get so mad when things don't turn out the way I want them to. But I've realized that failure is okay. Everyone fails sometimes. What's worse than failing is not allowing yourself to try. And this is something that I know I will struggle with, but will hopefully one day overcome. And I almost forgot! The novel "Dear Mr. Knightley" also had another angle to it. Sam had people who loved her praying for her. Encouraging her to open her heart and know that God was with her, always. So in my struggles to allow myself to be all that I can be (I know, that's a cliche line, but sometimes cliches work perfectly with what you're trying to say. Otherwise, why would they be a cliche?), I know I must always remember that I have an awesome God who loves me and who will always have my back. Anyway, to end this post, I leave you with my favorite C.S. Lewis quote:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
